


the devil's dream

by SSAerial



Category: One Piece, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anger Management, Angry Bakugou Katsuki, Angst, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Bakugou Katsuki is Bad at Feelings, Bakugou Katsuki is Portgas D Ace, Canon-Typical Violence, Characters will be introduced in time, Crossover, Dissociation, Friendship, Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Reincarnation, The boy has issues, Will add characters as we journey on, Worldbuilding, and as we are all well aware of Ds always bring a storm, he is a big ball of angry confusion, it can go either way honestly, no seriously, or confusing anger, this is a plot that was ACTUALLY PLOT DOWN
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 00:39:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16006667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SSAerial/pseuds/SSAerial
Summary: Anger has its own center of gravity. Its heat spreads throughout his chest and it makes him sharp, makes him loud. It drives him and fuels the speeding locomotive who roars at people to get the fuck out of his way. Bakugou doesn’t know what he is without it.He never questions where it comes from. Deep down, a treasure chest full of memories has sunk to the bottom of the sea, locked inside the boy’s charred and screaming heart. A chest that once it gapes open, his world – and the world at large – will never be the same.(Or, Bakugou Katsuki is the reincarnation of Portgas D. Ace, and he’s ready to bring another catalytic storm)





	1. pull the trigger

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I am back from my very long hiatus. I really needed a break from writing, and from life, so I had taken a semester off and had completely quit on writing fics, or really anything as I tried to keep my head on straight. I had a lot going on in my life, so taking a break really helped me focus on what I need to focus on in my life. I’m really sorry I left you all hanging, but with this fic, I’m hoping it’ll make up for it.
> 
> I’ve worked on this idea for a really long time, and I think this is the most solid outline I’ve ever written, I’m not even kidding. I have so many ideas for this story, it’s kind of ridiculous. It’s been, wow, a year since I’ve first thought about this idea, and it has never left my mind honestly, niggling at the back of my head.
> 
> And I know this probably sounds stupid, but I’m starting to see a pattern over how often I like to write crossover stories. Especially ones that nobody seems to touch or doubt would make sense. But dudes and dudettes, no. No, you don’t understand. I have so many headcanons for this story, you have no idea. Like oh my god, I still can’t believe this can work at all but it does. Also, I’ve always wanted to write a reincarnation story and put my own spin on it, so I really hope people will like this idea too.
> 
> So here it is! The story that made me fall head over heels for Bakugou Katsuki, with a lot of worldbuilding and characterization involved, hahaha! I hope you enjoy and please tell me what you think!

Katsuki knew, with the confidence of someone who has the whole world already figured out, that he was the best.

“Wow!” Teachers and nameless adults would look at him with smiles and gleaming eyes, crowding around him while he read advanced picture books in preschool. “You can already read! That’s remarkable Katsuki-kun!”

“You’re really good!” Kids would exclaim when he joined in to play games, always made the leader of these exercises because they needed someone to think for them. They would say this with mixed emotions of jealousy and admiration. “Of course Katsuki is the best! He’s good at everything!”

Katsuki didn’t remember any of their names. All he heard were their singing praises, dazzling him with their amazement and filling his head with compliments. He stood tall, confident, as he took all this in and felt like he was on top of the world.

And they did it no matter what he did! Whether it was physical activities that Katsuki excelled at, or academic classes consisting of kanjis or numbers that he absorbed like a sponge, he passed them all with flying colors. Why did they make such a big deal out of it? Was everybody too dumb or something?

 _Because really,_  a voice would whisper in the back of his head,  _did he really deserve to be praised so much like this?_

He always did his best to squash these doubts by trying more new things he could excel at, more ways to prove to himself and others that he really  _was_  better than everyone else. Everyone said so, so it must be right.

_Right?_

He looked through books elementary school kids would have trouble reading, dictionary always at hand as he slowly stumbled over new words. He learned how to swim by adamantly telling his mom it was something everyone should be able to do,  _obviously_. His mom hesitated uncharacteristically before giving in to the four-year-old, taking him to the beach often during family trips and always right next to him holding his hand as he began to learn how to doggy paddle.

It was the best time of his life. Being in the water and actually floating was such a novel sensation, new and exciting. For some reason, he always half expected he would sink like an anchor, body freezing up for a reflexive second every time. Yet he always managed to brush it off and keep his head afloat, becoming more confident as months of this passed by. Still, the thought of drowning never completely left him.

There was a very short-lived stint where he tried his hand at drawing and ended up tearing the papers to frustration when he couldn’t get the yellow hat he worked hours on right no matter how many times he tried. It ended up looking like an upside down bowl instead, the yellow too neon to his taste.

When he wasn’t trying out new hobbies, he and his followers ended up going to the forest a lot. Katsuki ended up leading all these adventures with gusto and excitement. There was something mysterious yet comforting about it, slivers of sunlight breaking through the tree branches and spotlighting the ground in random places. He fought the urge to sink his bare feet in the grass and bask in the sunshine or climb trees with the intention of sleeping on the branches. He didn’t want people to think he was weird for wanting to do something that by all means sounded boring.

Instead, they looked for bugs or played tag, which was still just as fun. Katsuki always ended up winning by catching the most bugs and being the fastest in the group. Competing against people made his blood sing, grins turning sharp and bloody.

One time, he picked up a large beetle to inspect it. Its legs wriggled in the air as he held it by the shell, completely helpless. He absently wondered if it tasted good fried, then immediately shook his head at the strange thought. Still, he ended up bluntly asking his dad if bugs were edible, which earned him a long stare before the man told him to ask his mother because he didn’t know.

Katsuki looked it up instead. He knew better than to ask something like that to his mom.

Throughout all this, in his orbit, Midoriya Izuku always hung at the back. He lingered there, always present and following him wherever he went. They’ve known each other since they were babies, which was the only reason why Katsuki tolerated Izuku toddling after him with glittering eyes and constant chatter. He was clumsy and in a lot of ways useless but faithfully hailed Katsuki with just as much exuberance as anyone else.

“That’s amazing Kacchan!” he’d say, one distinguishable face among the mass.

With Izuku calling him by that nickname, Katsuki decided one day to name him ‘Deku’, since he was the only one worth remembering out of anyone Katsuki knew. It suited the other boy and was a clever play of words he came up with all by himself. Everyone agreed despite the green haired boy’s protests, so Katsuki knew it only further proved that he was right on the money. Deku was Deku, and that’s that.

With both of them having nicknames, it all evened out that way.

Life was good and every day was thrilling and full of potential, just the way Katsuki liked it.

One day, the world got even  _bigger_.

The first time Bakugou Katsuki was introduced to All Might was an impression that stayed stuck in his memories for a long time. The image of that strong back beholden to the onlookers cemented the awe and admiration he felt for the man. It stirred something within him, a pooling heat that would spread to the tip of his toes, leaving him safe and full of comfort.

All Might never lost. He was the Symbol of Hope, always victorious and coming out on top of the fight.

To Katsuki, this was a fact of life. Undeniable in its consistency and thus something he clung onto with a deadening grip. Being Number One was unanimous in his young mind to being untouchable to death. To failure. The hero was always reliable and always there.

And this thought eased him like nothing else did. He didn’t trust many things, but he knew he could trust this.

_(Any other conclusion was unacceptable._

_His world wouldn’t be able to survive it if this weren’t true.)_

Nobody matched his level of admiration for All Might more than Deku. So on some days, when it was just the two of them, they would meet in each other’s houses and watch videos of All Might nonstop.

“Did you see that?” Deku grinned, more talkative and happy than Katsuki usually saw him. He always did when it came to the Number One Hero. “He’s always smiling and he saves everyone and he’s really strong-“

On and on it went. When it came to heroes, the boy was definitely a motormouth. Katsuki rolled his eyes and smacked the back of the boy’s head, stopping him in his tracks.

“Shut the hell up.” The blond grumbled. “Of course he’s strong. He’s Number One, the best.”

And the best, Katsuki knew, never loses. That ideal was something he could definitely get behind. None of that crap about being nice and helpful. Anyone was capable of doing that. Not many, however, were built to be strong. Heroes fought the battles the weak couldn’t, that was the whole  _point_.

The very thought of losing, of being  _okay_  with losing, left a bad taste in Katsuki’s mouth, the very possibility unacceptable to him.

“When I get my quirk, I’m going to be a hero just like All Might.” Deku said this with conviction, a spark of  _something_  that had Katsuki instantly straightening his back in attention.

For some reason, he recognized that tone, that childish determination. This wasn’t a declaration, this was a dream, vivid and bright in its hopefulness. It felt so familiar that just for a second, Katsuki  _wanted_  to believe it.

Then reality came crashing down and Katsuki sneered, both at Deku and himself.

“You? Ha!” he barked out the sound, shattering the moment and causing Deku to flinch from his almost tangible derisiveness. Katsuki jabbed a thumb to his own tiny chest, running hot on impulsiveness as he raised his head high with red eyes burning. “If anyone’s gonna be a hero, it’s gonna be me. I’ll be better than All Might, better than anyone.”

A flicker of uncertainty suddenly clenched his heart the instant those words left his mouth. What was he saying? Where the hell was this coming from, spouting out this dream larger than himself?

He respected and admired what All Might was doing. However, Katsuki was...

 _He was terrible at being selfless or good. Hell, he didn’t_ want _to be. Because what did he owe anyone in putting his life on the line? For the fame? The fortune? Because it was cool? Because the option was there and he just_ could?

 _All of it, it just sounded so..._ shallow _._

_Deep down, Katsuki knew. He wasn’t capable of being a hero._

But looking at Deku’s face that was so full of hero-worship and faith, Katsuki’s throat tightened. He couldn’t bring himself to take it back.

Besides, it wasn’t in his nature to have any falsehoods.

_(And though he didn’t want to admit it, he didn’t want to disappoint someone who looked at him as if he hung the moon and stars. For just a second, he swore Deku’s face blurred to be replaced by a pearly white smile and shaded eyes.)_

* * *

 

After that, everyone seemed to know that Bakugou Katsuki was aiming to be a hero. They all readily and eagerly supported this notion, telling him his quirk would probably be emerging soon and that they had high expectations on the day it came. Katsuki couldn’t seem to escape this notion everyone seemed to be stuck on, the idea that Katsuki would be a fantastic hero.

He was almost tempted to go up to some of these insistent teachers and ask, “Do you think I can be a hero?  _Seriously_?”

But really, why was he conflicted over something so apparent to everyone else? Why was a part of him so sure that he wouldn’t be suitable as a hero? He was literally the best in his school, his neighborhood, _everywhere_.

So  _why?_

It was beyond frustrating trying to come up with reasons why he couldn’t-no,  _shouldn’t_  be a hero. Because for the life of him, he couldn’t think of any reason  _why not._

And thus, he was stuck. Piled with expectations on his too small shoulders and questioning what the  _hell_  was wrong with him in not wanting what everyone else did.

The only one who seemed to actually understand where he was coming from was his mom and dad. The blond woman had taken one look at him, snorted outright, and said, “Do whatever the hell you want. Don’t give a shit what everyone else thinks, brat.”

His father had smiled and jerked a thumb in her direction, and said, “What she said.”

It was more reassuring than it probably should’ve been taken.

The day his quirk appeared, however, only made everything  _worse_.

It came to him unexpectedly, the built-up event everyone always went fanatic over suddenly sparking in his hands with concentrated heat. He didn’t know what he had been expecting to happen, but it wasn’t  _this_. He didn’t know  _why_ , but his body had tensed up and he had reflexively widened his legs apart as he felt something hot gather in his palm before he shot his arm forward. The motion was so practiced, imprinted in his bones to be battle ready on the get-go.

A flashing picture of  _redredred_ flickered across his vision only to be destroyed when a miniature ball of crackling light instead appeared, stinging his hand and it wasn’t  _right. None of this was._  It was supposed to be-

_Supposed to be what?_

With an odd sense of disappointment dropping in his stomach, Katsuki never felt so cold on that sunny, spring day.

* * *

 

People never shut up whenever they were around him now.

“Your quirk is  _incredible_!” they’d say. “You’re  _definitely_  born to be a hero!”

_Fuck that shit._

Why in the actual  _fuck_  do they think that? What did Katsuki possibly do in order to earn that kind of commendation?

Even when Katsuki went back to desperately trying out everything he could to prove he was as good as they say, with his grades and his hard work in whatever people threw at him, it was all dwarfed by just how  _brilliant_  his  _stupid quirk_  was.

The more people praised him, the more Katsuki wanted to revolt out of sheer spite. What the hell gave them the right to decide who he was or going to be? Why did people keep thinking he wanted to be a hero?

And then, it hit him.

 _Deku_.

Katsuki had never expressed wanting to be a hero. The only time was when he had been with Deku, his tongue slipping up into telling an unintentional lie.

Did that piece of shit blab to everybody about that one-time fluke? Did he just damn him by trapping him into this situation?

Fury burned and ran through his veins, pulsing and refueling itself every time someone told him he was going to be a great hero. No longer was it now a possibility in people’s minds on who he was going to be. No longer was it you  _could_  instead of you  _will_. Rapidly, all the pent up frustration was aiming itself to one target.

_This was all Deku’s fault._

The rage simmered, until the day it was announced Deku was quirkless.

They said it like it was a death sentence, Deku singled out and avoided like his quirklessness was a plague. People whispered behind the boy’s back like he couldn’t hear every word, tones disdainful and pitying. They treated him as if there was something  _wrong_  with him.

It made  _absolutely no sense_  to Katsuki.

What the hell was everybody’s problem? So what if Deku didn’t have superpowers or whatever? It wasn’t the end of the fucking world. The idiot may not be good at a lot of things, but Deku was literally the most stubborn idiot  _ever_. It wasn’t like this was gonna stop the green haired boy from going after his dream.

Katsuki remembered shining eyes so full of resolution and  _want_  in front of a television screen, illuminating the boy’s determined face. He remembered that brief moment of  _acceptance_  Katsuki had felt, that gut feeling telling him to watch out for this stringbean of a boy who was  _good_  in a way Katsuki wasn’t.

He looked around the room, and found himself the odd man out. Couldn’t people see what he saw? The potential, the strength of will the powerless boy was so full of?

Like the flip of a switch, Katsuki felt his anger redirect itself.

_To everyone else._

The anger, as it turned out, never turned off after that.

* * *

 

One minute Katsuki was fine, the next he was in the riverbed, wet and completely unscathed.

A hand was held out to him, Deku’s mouth moving yet nothing was coming out, only static. It was overlapped by the sound of distinct laughter, carefree and silly so unlike Deku, and the scene shifted right before his eyes as a shadowed face under an unassuming straw hat looked down at him. He couldn’t see his eyes underneath the brim of the hat, but the impossibly wide grin would’ve made blind men cry from the sheer brilliance of it.

Something exploded in Katsuki’s chest, a plethora of emotions Katsuki couldn’t properly identify. This boy, he was _important_. He was _so important_ and _big_ and _vast_ and it was sucking Katsuki in. He was getting lost in the boy’s radiant happiness over seeing  _him_ ,  _Katsuki_ , and it was too much too much  _too much_ -

Out of blind panic, he slapped the hand with enough force to snap a wrist if he was just a bit stronger and older. He lurched back as  _Deku_  – he ignored the pain, as if something precious had been snatched right within his reach – pressed closer with concerned green eyes that made something in Katsuki want to be  _sick_.

 _“Stay away from me!”_  he screamed, the hoarseness of his voice covered up by mindless rage. It was better than the desolation that was threatening to swallow him whole.  _“I don’t need your help!”_

Deku jerked back, fearful, and Katsuki was incensed that a twinge of regret twisted in his chest at the sight. When has Bakugou Katsuki regretted doing anything?

 _(Regretting meant you did something wrong, and Katsuki wasn’t. He_ wasn’t _this time, he was_ certain _.)_

The pain in Deku’s eyes said differently.

* * *

 

When Katsuki entered elementary school with the rest of his classmates, Katsuki avoided Deku the way everybody else did. He ignored how other people – extras, as he was starting to call them in his head – clung onto him as if they had been waiting to fill the void where Katsuki’s persistent shadow used to be. They commented and praised and told Katsuki he was the best, the awesome, the strongest in the school.

The entire time, even though Katsuki tried his damn best to never be anywhere near Deku, he paid attention.

He watched as the initial avoidance of Deku turn into something ugly, bit by bit. Other kids from higher grades started to notice Deku, hear about his apparent status, and proceeded to tease him like it was a sport. They mocked him and called him weak, useless, without knowing a single thing about him.

Katsuki gritted his teeth whenever he heard these idiots barrage the other boy with insults. Katsuki knew Deku was weak and useless, but he knew that because  _he knew Deku_.

To these fuckers, they were only insulting Deku not because of Deku himself, but the fact he was  _quirkless_. Like his lack of quirk completely defined the boy into automatically becoming the scum of the earth. It was as if-

Katsuki screeched to a stop, disregarding the extras behind him at the realization Deku was gone from his sight.

“Katsuki? Hey Katsuki, are you okay-“

The blond darted away before the nameless boy could finish that sentence, an uneasy suspicion building inside of him as he checked every empty classroom he could think of before thinking to go outside, remembering a bare area of grass that was in the back courtyard.

It only took him a few minutes to reach the place, seeing three boys ganging up on the green haired boy who had his back against the brick wall. He caught the bare ends of a scathing sentence directed at a shrinking Deku who  _wasn’t fighting back, what the fuck is that idiot doing-_

“-about you is pointless!”

The words bit into Katsuki with unexpected, strange  _familiarity_. It put him immediately on edge, as if bracing for a blow he knew was coming.

Why was he filled with such  _dread-_

_“You don’t deserve to exist! Why don’t you just go and die!”_

At first, for one heart-stopping moment, Katsuki thought it was his own mind playing tricks on him again. But no, the voice was definitely the smug bastard’s and how dare he,  _how dare he-_

For a passage of time, everything was a blur.

He didn’t register the stinging pain in his fists for punching so hard. He didn’t register the spasms that occurred when he overworked his quirk. He didn’t register the words coming out of his mouth as adults, those  _fuckers_ , materialized from thin air to restrain him and shouting at him to stop.

“SHUT UP! TAKE THAT BACK YOU PIECE OF SHIT! WIPE THAT FUCKING LOOK OFF YOUR FACE! I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU, I SWEAR I WILL JUST YOU FUCKING WAIT! YOU’RE DEAD YOU SON OF A-“

Wordless roaring then escaped his mouth and hatred was potent on his tongue, his eyes, magma rolling in his lungs and voice, choking him out until he was left with nothing but  _wrath_.

Nothing was registering until he saw Deku. Who was looking at him with shock and fear, as if he was  _afraid._

Of _Katsuki._

 _What do you think of me now?_  Some part of Katsuki wanted to spit this out.  _Do I still look like a hero to you?_

As Katsuki was dragged away from the stunned, wide eyed boy whose eyes just for a moment turned black, all Katsuki felt was numbness.

* * *

 

_“Hey, isn’t that the guy who almost killed that kid? Oh my god-”_

_“Man, that Bakugou is terrifying, you better not look him directly in the eye-”_

_“We have a future villain in our midst-”_

Villain. It was a new vocabulary word added to Bakugou’s reputation now. He walked down the halls, brushing past these extras who had nothing better to do than gossip like old hags. These people, who used to call him a future hero in the making just by looking at his quirk alone, demonized him when he defended the quirkless kid that nobody really liked.

The teachers treated him like he was a bomb about to explode, which wasn’t as far off as one might think. He certainly felt like he was ready to stand on top of the roof and scream that they were all fucking hypocrites and should all go die in a damn ditch. All those honeyed compliments have warped into wary exchanges and judgmental glares. These people, so quick to put him in a box and label him as if they knew better than him.

The lackeys that used to follow him have promptly abandoned him, not wanting to get entangled with the mess that was Bakugou Katsuki. Spineless rats, the whole lot of them.

Katsuki looked to his left where the windows were, mind straying as class droned on. Something that was happening a lot more lately.

He wasn’t sleeping these days. Dreams, or nightmares, have been haunting him with growing frequency these past few weeks.

They came stalking at night, creeping into his head and refusing to leave, rattling his mind with impressions and feelings that were uncontrollable, a certain hell for the perfectionist boy.

He was in the middle of a battlefield, sometimes in the midst of it and sometimes above, watching people die right in front of him and unable to do anything about it. He never felt so helpless, so useless. All the people were faceless, just shapes and bodies moving unnervingly soundless below him, marionettes with strings he couldn’t see. A play he couldn’t participate in, just kneeling and tied to where he was.

Other dreams had him boiling with indescribable rage. Just a vision of red and sweat covering him from head to toe every time he woke up, bedsheets smoking from the involuntary explosions.

He preferred those dreams any day, charging that reckless emotion to its fullest capacity so he wouldn’t be capable of feeling anything else.

_(He refused to think about where that anger was really directed at or how the shame of denial was strangling him. For once, he denied the truth. Which only made him angrier, creating a cycle he couldn’t break out of.)_

Then there were the dreams that were so  _good_ , everything clicking into place with a  _rightness_  more certain than anything in Bakugou’s life.

Sometimes, he was on a gigantic ship, surrounded by silhouettes of people whose laughter and sheer joy calmed down the roaring fire into a cradling tenderness he wanted to hold against his chest forever. Other times, it was a forest bigger than Katsuki has ever seen, lush green trees canopying overhead as he ran ahead with the laughing sun chasing him. The sound of animals, of life, surrounding him as he dashed across terrain he knew at the back of his hand. He would glance back, catching sight of that ever-present, haloed straw hat-

And wake up. The hearth that was his flaming heart crackling with warmth and home would extinguish itself, tears streaming down his face. His heart would ache, missing what wasn’t real. The worst part was how even though Katsuki  _knew_  it would happen, he still would close his eyes with a hope that his hollow heart would be filled tonight.

* * *

 

The only good thing to have come out of this mess, was how none of those fuckers came within a five feet radius of Deku, terrified out of their minds at the idea of Katsuki retaliating. It was one less problem Katsuki didn’t have to focus on.

On the other hand, if Katsuki had avoided Deku before, it was nothing compared to now. He turned away whenever he saw him come towards him, always picked a solitary place to eat lunch where Deku couldn’t follow, and refused to make eye contact with him as Deku stared at him with enough intensity to set him aflame.

He was afraid of seeing coal black instead of green.

A violent part of him wanted to destroy Deku’s smiles and passion so much that his knuckles went white to restrain himself from doing so. After all, this entire mess wouldn’t have happened if Deku had fought back and not been such a fucking  _doormat_ , or actually defended himself without Katsuki having to interfere.

_(He was lying. The instant those damning words had left that asshole’s mouth, there was no way Katsuki would’ve let it slide. Nobody deserved to hear that. Not even Deku.)_

Anyway, it was safer for everyone involved if Katsuki just stayed away from the loser.

Unfortunately, the idiot didn’t get the fucking message.

He kept following him, chasing after him day after day with that scorching gaze, tireless with a stubbornness that stabbed sharp shrapnel into his damaged heart more than it could take.

After nearly a month of repeating this routine, Katsuki couldn’t take it anymore.

“Leave me alone!” he roared, his vocal chords destroying themselves to pummel the words into the boy’s skull more thoroughly. “I don’t want a fucking loser following me and giving people the wrong idea! So fuck off Deku!”

But Deku, fuck this guy, did something unforgiveable.

He looked him straight in the eye, expression glowing with resolve, and said, “I can’t. Not when you look so alone.”

_“Being alone is more painful than being hurt!”_

In that moment, Katsuki hated Midoriya Izuku. He wanted to beat him bloody till he couldn’t talk, burn his eyes so full of pity that all the green went away.

He felt like something sacred has been tarnished, trashed, his whole body shaking in uncontainable fury. He was a hurricane ready to wipe this city out along with him in his rage, bringing everyone tumbling down with him.

As suddenly as the homicidal urge came, it left in one swoop, leaving him with a gaping void. He felt bereft, something having reached into his chest and ripping his heart out, leaving devastation in its wake.

Katsuki had the weirdest urge to cry, and he didn’t even know why.

It’s  _exhausting_. Everything about Deku was just goddamn tiring to deal with.

“If you come anywhere near me,” his mouth worked mechanically, so calm that it was unreal. “I’ll kill you.”

He meant every word.

* * *

 

Years passed. The isolation continued and everything was becoming a haze. He knew his parents were worried, the old hag making more spicy dishes than the Bakugous knew what to do with and long concerned looks were always shot in his direction.

It was stifling, this anticipation he was going to either break apart or snap at any moment hanging over his head. He was the school pariah, left alone to his own devices and still managing top grades even without the teachers’ favor. It was done more out of spite, out of not wanting to show anyone weakness. He was tired enough of everything as it is, he had enough on his plate.

Katsuki’s last words seemed to echo between the chasm he created with Deku. He knew the loser was still watching him from afar, waiting for something to splinter just like everyone else was.

He wasn’t going to let them see a hint of it. So he scowled and glared at anyone who tried to get close, baring his teeth if they were cocky enough to try and test him. Like he was a dragon they wanted to conquer, prodding his limits just to see how far they could push.

 _Let’s see you try_  his grin said, making them falter. Like the cowards they were, they retreated every time.

The dreams continued, its frequency increasing as time went on. The realization that this wasn’t normal, that imagining things and experiencing things that didn’t make sense in context bore down on him. He absently wondered if he was crazy, just like everyone said.

Hell, he was even seeing things from the old hag. Some other, bigger woman took her place at times, back always turned and wild curls tumbling down her back. Her voice would become shriller, and Katsuki felt himself grin a couple of times when hearing it.

Looking at Deku, on the other hand, just hurt these days. His body reacted without his sayso when he was near him and he would take a step forward to Deku before he knew what he was doing, like gravity was insisting on it.

Deku didn’t do anything with himself, just live day by day without trying to stop the whispers following him even now – for he might not be physically bullied anymore, but barbed words were just as good of a weapon – like the loser he was.

Just watching it happen made him want to shake the idiot, yell in his face to get a fucking grip and  _do something_  already.

But it wasn’t his business. He didn’t want to get sucked in again and be put through this constant agony of being reminded of _that person_ even more than he was already.

So he drew up his walls and stayed away. From Deku. His parents. Everybody.

It was only when he turned ten that his monochrome world started to shift again.

* * *

 

Katsuki had been walking.

On impulse, he had taken a longer route than he usually did after school, wandering more and more away from home and instead to the edges of the city, time slipping through his fingers carelessly.

He didn’t know where he was going, for once aimless and not having any particular goal in mind. He drifted like a ghost on the streets, passing by strangers going about their city lives, so focused on themselves. It irritated Katsuki just like everything did, and the fact he was irritated at all made it all the more infuriating. It’s so small a thing, yet the anger kept coming and going without his permission.

It was draining. For once, Katsuki wished was wasn’t so angry, that inconsequential things didn’t boil his blood and he could ignore it like other people. Normal people. Everything would be so much easier if he could  _let things go-_

He breathed in, an abrupt burst of –  _longing, exhilaration, freedom_  – overrode him. It blasted his senses with such suddenness that Katsuki couldn’t stop himself from screeching to a stop even if he wanted to. His head jerked to the sound of lush waters, the smell of salt in the air was faint yet so familiar that the blond took another deep cleansing breath, feeling more relaxed than he could ever recall being.

Katsuki hadn’t been to the ocean since people started to shit on it with garbage. He almost couldn’t even see the blue vastness with piles of trash blocking the way. The very idea triggered a sense of dread Katsuki didn’t understand – of  _fucking_  course – something bitter souring the back of his tongue at the very thought. Katsuki tried to focus instead on that fleeting sense of pure  _happiness_  he felt earlier and before he knew it, he was sprinting.

 _Why was he running?_ His thoughts whirled and refused to quiet as he forced his legs to pump faster, go further. _Why why why?_

It was simple. It’s been so long that he felt anything that wasn’t anger or dullness. Anything was better than nothing, and he was going to latch onto this fleeting hope like a lifeline. Instinct had him chasing after what he didn’t have in years.

He’ll be damned if he missed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear that everything will be explained. I'm getting a little confused and I wrote the damn thing, so we're all in the same boat hahaha... (sheepish grin)
> 
> But my god, Bakugou is just, he has so many _feels_. He is absolutely terrible at this, I'm enjoying this so much. And he's so confused! Isn't it great?


	2. routines keep the world spinning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So with tense wariness, Katsuki turned around-
> 
> To be assaulted by target-practice-board eyes, barely two inches from his face.
> 
> _“What the fuck-”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The responses I’m getting for this fic is the only thing keeping me going, lol. I am so glad that the characterization I was aiming for this emotional boi is getting through to people. There’s an actual plot reason why I tried as much as possible to make Bakugou seem like he’s canon!Bakugou in an outside perspective, but is a very different beast when it came to his mindset. It’s going to mess so many people up when they try to pin Bakugou down, I’m cackling just thinking about it.
> 
> Anyways, I’m going to warn people that this story isn’t going to reach the canon timeline for quite a few chapters (not sure how long tbh, at max I think 5-7). I have plans, people. I was not kidding about the ‘worldbuilding’ tag.
> 
> Also, here’s some music that inspired me while writing this:
> 
>  **Boku no Hero Academia Sad/Emotional OST (Mix)**  
>  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0wYRMmQ7Bk)

Katsuki was always drawn to the ocean.

He remembered as a kid – when anger was an emotion instead of the constant, vengeful thing wriggling under his skin now – he used to beg his parents into going every time it was the weekend. He used the excuse of wanting to learn how to swim – which wasn’t a lie – to convince them, refusing to figure out why he was so desperate for this. The old hag would always grumble and give in easily to the demands, which was kind of surprising with how confrontable she was about everything else, but it wasn’t like he was going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

If he really thought about it, it was the only thing he ever really _asked_ anything of them, since he always had everything he already needed. Even the All Might merchandise were more gifts at birthday parties or holidays, his veneration for the hero not subtle at all. He hoarded the trading cards Deku would gift him, new and shiny packaging glimmering like hidden treasure.

Shaking off the pang of nostalgia at the memory, he sank his feet further into the sand, toes clenching just to feel the sensation of moving grains rubbing against his skin. No one here to watch him give in to the urges he long restrained, the sand feeling even better than forest dirt.

Every time he came here, something in him loosened. The tension he didn’t know he carried day after day slid off his shoulders and he felt less like the earth was crushing him to the ground. His body threatened to float to the stratosphere, soaring toward that horizon that made him wonder what was beyond it.

It was the fifth time this week he visited Dagobah Beach, always after school as he efficiently packed his bag and escaped the hellish institution known as elementary school. Anticipation grabbed him by the throat and a fragile sapling of joy was starting to grow every time he thought of rushing waves and the beaming sun.

He only realized later how unaccustomed to smiling he’s become when he passed by a glass building’s window on the way, his habitual frown absent and replaced with curled up lips and flashing pearly whites that looked alien on his face. The lines on his forehead were smooth and there was a spark in his eyes he hadn’t known was missing until he was paying attention.

How long has it been since he looked forward to anything these days?

Katsuki tried not to ponder on it.

He closed his eyes and rested his head on top his knees with his arms wrapped around them. He curled up his body protectively, just focusing on the sound of moving water and the few birds flying in the sky. The rays of the sun thawed him in a way anger never could, enveloping him in its radiance. Solitude suddenly didn’t feel as empty with something greater than himself filling the space.

The only thing missing were the laughing ghosts that should be next to him side by side, indistinct childish utters filling the quiet. Where before he would’ve denied their existence, he was slowly acclimating in this place where no interlopers were scrutinizing. Here in this sacred dwelling, it was the closest Katsuki could feel at peace.

Katsuki logically knew coming here was a temporary solution at best, his own twisted method of running away. A net of safety, a sign of indulgence that spoke of neglect and self-deception. This piece of happiness he was latching so hard to will fall apart and leave him with nothing but ashes.

 _Just this once._ He would plead to himself for just one more day. To recuperate, to draw strength, to be weak, to fall apart. He honestly didn’t know which reason was right, only that they were all excuses to keep coming back. He craved this feeling of belonging he didn’t think was possible in the real world.

_Just this once._

So he allowed it. He let his mind drift and as he started to fall asleep, he swore he felt someone touch his shoulder, the weight solid and strong.

 _Rest._ A child’s voice whispered. Katsuki got the impression of a toothy grin and royal blue, the same shade of color as the ocean.

He’s never encountered this phantom before. Nevertheless, he relaxed, trust making him slacken his guard. His instincts knew who this was better than his mind. For he was the first to have broken through his walls, even before the straw-hatted kid.

He doesn’t know how he knew this. He just did.

Soothed by the blue boy’s presence more than lullabies ever could, he dreamed about a world where he wasn’t so alone.

Unknown to him, the feeling of being watched wasn’t imagined that day. A foreigner noticed the blonde-haired child among the piles of trash surrounding him, a glint of gold spotted in the sand. When they did, two aching hearts thumped in tandem, the world at large holding its breath.

Both don’t know it yet, but they are meant to meet soon.

* * *

 

The dreams have changed.

The blue boy was suddenly _everywhere_. Details were starting to stick to Katsuki’s brain and how could he have possibly not remembered that shade of blue and that stupid top hat? Or the cheeky grin that spoke of mischief and cleverness in comparison to the straw-hatted boy’s innocent brightness?

Katsuki couldn’t decide whether or not the boy appearing was a blessing or a curse. Because though the boy’s added presence only made the good dreams even better, there was a wistfulness older than time attached to those positive emotions. Some unnamed sadness that has him clinging more desperately to those particular dreams and despairing more than once he couldn’t draw to save his life.

He was sure those drawings would be full of yellow straw hats and blue coattails, colors matching in how the sun would touch the sea. A befitting representation of Katsuki’s world in a nutshell.

Well, at least the blue boy only appeared in his dreams or near the ocean. It made sense to Katsuki, yet no sense at all.

He was dreaming where it was just him and the blue boy, sitting in a tree watching the sunset. It was so serene, Katsuki’s heart content and full. Breathing never felt so wonderful with the air so fresh.

_Where do you want to go when we set off?_

Katsuki didn’t feel any surprise that the boy was speaking. Even though this was the first time Katsuki’s heard anyone talk before in his dreams.

 _Don’t know._ Katsuki heard himself answer. _You’re the navigator idiot._

The blue boy laughed, feet swinging carelessly and face hidden underneath that ridiculous hat.

_You trust me that much to put me in charge?_

He sounds amused, certain. He always does, sly little compliment hogger he was.

And yet, Katsuki still confirmed it, brazen and secure in this partnership they have.

 _Of course._ There wasn’t a shadow of doubt in his mind. _Besides, no matter where we go, we’ll do it together._

_Wow. That’s pretty sappy for you. You going soft?_

_Shut up! As if!_ He huffed as the blue boy let out another round of laughter. _Besides, navigation doesn’t matter if we don’t get stronger._

 _True._ The blue boy agreed. _Whatever destination lies ahead of us, we’ll have to become strong enough to face it. So let’s do our best A-_

Katsuki woke up. He stared at the ceiling, those last words ringing in his head.

Something has clicked into place.

* * *

 

What the blue boy said stayed with him. It resonated within him as true, stirring a restlessness that couldn’t be calmed.

It hit Katsuki one day that he has an absurd amount of free time. The fact made him want to gnash his teeth together as shame and dissatisfaction squirmed in his stomach. How much time has he wasted due to his own indecision?

Katsuki was in the forest this time, deciding resolutely not to visit the beach like he has been for the past few weeks. His mind felt clearer than it has in ages, everything snapping back into focus as the numbing haze dispersed. Somehow, being physically exposed to the sun left him energized and more aware of himself, his mind not sliding back to the dark thoughts that poisoned him for so long.

_(He longed to go back though. Nothing felt as right as being close to that blue expanse, endless to the eye and threatening to sweep him away from this hellhole of a life. His feet itched to wander like never before, only common sense and familial duty holding him back. Temptation was a cruel mistress.)_

He kicked the tree, scowling. They used to look bigger when he was smaller, but now only looked spindly in comparison to what he thought they should be. Tall and mighty, reaching for the heavens and thick as whole buildings. He has the nebulous thought that around this age, he should be able to kick one of those gigantic trees down with ease. His disability rankled him beyond words.

He hated it, hated admitting this to himself, but it wasn’t in his nature to not face brutal truths. Emotions tended to cloud his judgment, but he was self-aware enough than most gave him credit for.

Katsuki was _weak_. His muscles weren’t prominent or properly used, the strength he expected himself to have completely lacking.

Sure he worked on his quirk before to get rid of the discomfort of using it – which didn’t make sense then and still didn’t now, who the hell was _discomforted_ using something they were born with? – but only to the extent of having precise control over it. He never once had an accident with his quirk, which was almost unheard of and has only contributed to the notion he would be a formidable hero – or villain.

They never seemed to understand that he wasn’t just a natural prodigy. He worked hard to reach where he was, methodically practicing for hours and stretching his limits as far as he could. He would test how much and how fast he could gather and apply his sweat, careful in not overextending and always in a place where people wouldn’t get hurt. He knew exactly how to negate or strengthen the exposure of his blasts, knew exactly what he was capable of.

Katsuki knew his quirk was dangerous, hadn’t wanted the trouble of accidentally hurting someone when he didn’t mean to. And more than that, he at least wanted to have full control over the one thing he could help in his life, especially when everything else was so uncertain and out of his reach.

In comparison to physically, however? He fucking _sucked_.

It dawned on him right there that he was spoiled, was used to being comfortable instead of fighting for his life. Looking at the markless tree that barely showed any indentation it was attacked, it showed with savage accusation.

The way he was now, he was just a helpless child to people’s eyes. There were so many people stronger than him who could kill him so easily despite his strong quirk. It was a frightening recognition to come to.

_“You think you're so strong! What are you going to do? You'll just get yourself killed! You'll get killed and be forgotten by tomorrow! That's all you are right now!”_

Katsuki grimaced at the onslaught of words that echoed in his head, unwelcome and sudden. He was getting used to it though, hearing things that didn’t exist, barging into his thoughts even if it only vaguely connected to what he was thinking or doing. It was annoying as hell.

It was annoying, but unfortunately, the shrill voice was right. The way he was now, he didn’t have the power to do anything. He has to acknowledge that fact.

He needed to get stronger. Much, much stronger. He refused to be helpless, waiting for _death as they got ready to behead_ -

The thought washed away like sand before he could grasp it. _Shit_.

Katsuki snarled and pushed it aside with a violent vengeance. It was _fine_. Everything was _fucking peachy._

He has a goal now, short-term as it were. But it was better than wallowing over the what-ifs and remaining stagnant. He has to keep moving forward and prepare for whatever comes next.

He still wasn’t sure what he wanted. What he knew he _didn’t_ want was to be a hero, or a villain, or anything what people wanted from him really. The last thing he wanted was to prove anyone’s expectations right.

At the same time though, who the hell cared what they thought about him? No matter how he turned out or chose, he wanted it on his own terms. He wanted to-

_He wanted to live a life with no regrets._

The sentiment _sang_ in his chest. He let himself sink into the idea, mend in his chest.

Yeah, that’s exactly what he wanted. Not fame, not fortune, not whatever else reason people did what they did in this world.

He wanted the freedom to choose. To scream out and defy the norm, to tell everyone who thought differently to screw themselves, screw the rules. He wanted to beat his fists on his chest and yell, _“I am here!”_ for he will not be silent. He will show the world that they couldn’t control him or put him in a box. This is what he wanted.

But to do that, he needed to get stronger. He was going to charge forward with all the recklessness of a ship sailing to its doom.

He got to work.

* * *

 

Katsuki was lucky it was close to summer, otherwise, he wouldn’t have been able to give his full attention to this new resolve.

In the next month, Katsuki started establishing a new routine.

He began the day by getting up early and going out jogging, resisting the urge to sink back into the bed and dream a little more through sheer willpower. He shook off the tiredness that he has gotten used to living with – it riled him that he fell so low due to his own weaknesses – and sprinted down familiar streets with the sky barely stirring to blurry orange.

It took up quite a bit of his morning, but he always felt liberated by the end of it. He was left wheezing like he was dying, muscles screaming and whole body burning as he grinned like a madman. He _missed_ pushing himself to his limits, had forgotten the taste of accomplishment and victory that tingled on his tongue with crackling spiciness. Guzzling down the water bottle he meticulously brought every time just sweetened the reward.

But this was just the beginning, he needed to do _more_.

It was during his runs as he passed by Dagobah beach again and again that another brilliant idea slapped him in the face. _Of course_ , he was a goddamn _idiot_ for not thinking of it sooner.

The heaping trash was an eyesore anyway, he would be doing everybody a favor. Hell, it was community service if you really thought about it.

So he rolled up his sleeves and eagerly dived into the new self-appointed task ahead of him.

The first thing he did was do his research. Because if he was going to clean up that beach, he was going to do it _fucking_ _right_. Just pushing the piles of metal around didn’t feel like enough to him. It felt so inherently wrong to leave it so close to the sea, to leave what he considered a safe place defiled and ruined.

A crawling sense of anxiety threatened to upset his stomach at the thought. Those two worlds should not coincide together. He didn’t know why, and by this point, he learned not to question it.

_(Second home among the junkyard with smoke and ash stinging his eyes, fiery red everywhere with none of the blue. Everything’s burning crashing toppling where is the way out they were all going to d i e-)_

Yeah, for the sake of his sanity, he was going to fucking clear that beach until it was _spotless_. It’s gonna end up looking like every movie cliché in the book, sparkling like there’s no tomorrow. Mark his words, Bakugou Katsuki’s _got this shit_.

After a day of holing himself up in his room and searching the internet, he discovered a place that would be interested in the numerous scrap metal that littered the beach. Apparently, the business ran on the owner’s quirk, who was able to bend and mold metal into any shape he liked. He made all kinds of things and accepted a lot of commissions, within reason of course.

It was a couple miles from the beach, but that’s nothing compared to what distance Katsuki was eating up these days. Besides, it was more exercise which could only be a good thing.

So it was at the crack of dawn when Katsuki went to _Heavy Metal_ and impatiently knocked on the store’s metal door, causing quite a racket as he did.

The place was in the eccentric shape of an honest to god _whale_ , sticking out like a sore thumb among the relatively normal buildings that surrounded it. It was _huge_ , the doorway in the shape of a giant metal tooth. Katsuki didn’t even know if whales could smile like that, or have such large teeth if he were honest.

The whale’s creepy eyes staring straight at its newcomers though took the cake, conveying soulfulness unnatural for something that wasn’t alive. Katsuki couldn’t help but wonder if the owner built this place himself, cause the tail that somehow managed to defy gravity as it swept high in the sky at the back must’ve been a pain to construct.

Katsuki, who’s seen weirder in some of his more creative – fucking _insane_ – dreams, ignored all this and merely rapped the door again with lessening patience.

When it finally opened, he was greeted by a Hawaiian flower printed shirt and old ratty sandals. Intense eyes behind round spectacles bore into him, looking almost as grouchy as Katsuki himself on most days, which was impressive feet.

“A brat?”

Instantaneously, Katsuki’s mood plummeted into a deeper blacker hole.

“Fuck you shitty old bastard.” He reflexively cussed out, earning an even more irritated glare.

“I don’t care for you kids coming here on your idiotic dares boy. But it’s too early for this so _go away.”_

And just like that, the man slammed the door with firm finality.

Katsuki stared at the metal surface, dumbfounded before rage rushed to his head. He felt his eye start to twitch.

_This son of a bitch._

“HEY!” he shouted, banging the door loudly to the point of causing hearing loss. “Come and face me, coward! Don’t you fucking run away!”

This went on for a good fifteen minutes straight. People were starting to come out of the homes in drowsy confusion, trying to find out who was making their own case for noise disturbances. They were shocked to find it’s a ten-year-old kid at ass-o’clock, with a language that would put even the most coarsened sailors to shame.

Just when Katsuki was prepared to go off and find something to hit the door with, preferably a stick or a baseball bat, the door burst open again to reveal the furious metalworker.

“Scram!” The man snarled menacingly. The blond, immune after years of dealing with his mother’s tender, loving care, was unfazed.

“Not until you hear what I have to say.” Katsuki snarled back, not backing down. His neck strained to keep eye contact with the man who was looking at him as if he was a fly making a nuisance of itself. Fuck, why was this shithead so fucking _tall?_ It pissed him off.

 _Calm down. It’s not worth it. Hold your temper._ Someone was metaphorically tugging his arm and Katsuki recognized it as the blue boy’s. Always the rational one, that punk.

_(If this wasn’t a sign of his own madness, he didn’t know what was.)_

Katsuki’s eyes flickered over the blue flower prints on the man’s shirt and felt his anger deplete. Just enough to get his head on straight again.

“I want to trade with you.”

The old man stared at him. Hard.

_“What.”_

Katsuki felt frustration flare again and start to boil his blood. Was this guy stupid? Did he not express what he wanted clearly enough?

“You heard me.” Katsuki sneered fiercely. “You’re not fucking deaf yet you old fucker.”

“Alright, first of all, who in the world taught you that language boy?” the man almost looked pained hearing Katsuki talk, which was of course preposterous. His voice wasn’t anywhere near as whiny and annoying as some other people – _Deku_ – he knew.

“My mom.”

“Your-” the man started to pinch the bridge of his nose like he was getting a headache. “Right. Well. She must be a lovely woman.”

“She’s really not.” Katsuki denied flatly.

“I was being sarcastic.” The man flatly said back.

 _“Oh my fucking-”_ Katsuki made an animalistic sound, ready to implode from impatience right then and there. “Stop interrupting and listen to me! Look, you’re a bag of bones-”

“Gee, thanks.”

“-with a failing business and probably low on materials with no employees. Right?”

The man didn’t reply, simply staring at him with too piercing eyes that would make anyone extremely uncomfortable. They seemed to peer into his soul, trying to pick him apart like a vulture. He didn’t deny Katsuki’s words though, so he kept going.

“I can get you materials, a fuckton of it.” Katsuki straightened his back, trying to make himself seem bigger, confident. Because he _was_ , he has no doubt of his own capabilities. He just has to convince this asshole it was true too. “You won’t have to strain yourself or break your back and you won’t have to waste your time trying to find help.”

There was a long pause, the old man a goddamn statue with that thousand-yard stare drilling into him. Katsuki wanted to _scream_. The suspense was _killing him_.

“What do you get in return?” the man finally asked. Like the follow-up question hadn’t been the next obvious step in the conversation and he just wanted to leave Katsuki hanging like a _fucking asshole_.

Katsuki wanted to _strangle_ him. He was surprised he was lasting this long, to be honest.

“Money.” The man rose an eyebrow at that and Katsuki fought the compulsion to punch him to _stop_ _staring_. He looked like a psycho ready to kill someone. “I get paid for every piece of metal I bring.”

“What about quality and quantity? How will it be judged?” the man inquired. A good sign, it meant he was interested and taking him seriously.

“We’ll barter when it comes down to it.” Katsuki grinned ferociously, revealing all his teeth. “And I’ll make sure you aren’t ripping me off when we do.”

Honestly, Katsuki just wanted a place to dump all the metal. He didn’t really care about getting paid for it, it wasn’t why he was going through all this trouble. But the old man didn’t need to know that, and it wouldn’t be so bad if he did get an extra bonus other than the satisfaction of a spick-and-span beach and a less disturbed conscience. It would be killing two birds with one stone.

Somehow, the staring has upgraded from calculative to unreadable. Katsuki forced himself to not look away from the staring game they’ve got going on. He refused to lose.

“Shouldn’t kids like you be playing?” the old man finally said after a long pause. “Don’t you have friends?”

“No,” Katsuki replied steadily. “I don’t need them.”

_Liar._

Katsuki didn’t know which part of his answer was the lie though.

His – the other two – that merry crowd – _it wasn’t his_. It wasn’t _real_. He could chase or indulge himself in believing it however much he wanted, but it didn’t change the fact that it was all an illusion.

None of it was real. It can’t be real, because if that was the case, Deku might not just be a reminder like he tries to convince himself some days when all he wanted to do was run after that foolish child. This wavering suspicion he couldn’t shake because someone up there hated him and this was his punishment. This sense of fear that the useless crybaby was more than he appeared. Deku could be-

_(laughing suns and half moon grins – promise me you’ll never die –)_

No. No, it couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be.

_He’d rather die._

“Fine.” Katsuki started, coming back to the world at that rough agreement. The old man broke eye contact – _thank god_ – as he sighed and scratched the back of his head, eyes closed as if already regretting his choice. “You better not come this early again though boy, or I’ll drag you to the police and have them take you back to your parents. Understood?”

“Crystal fucking clear.” Katsuki assented. He shoved his hands in his pockets to hide the way they quaked, shaken by his previous spiraling line of thoughts. “See you tomorrow then shitty geezer.”

Just as he turned around and started walking away, he heard the man yell, “Hey! You never told me your name boy!”

“Bakugou Katsuki!” he yelled back, not bothering looking back.

“Name’s Minato! And stop fucking cursing brat!”

“Like I fucking care what you think!”

The old bastard’s face when Katsuki came back the next day with an old shopping cart he found discarded with the trash, filled to the brim with metal parts, was absolutely _priceless_.

* * *

 

“Oi, Katsuki.”

Katsuki looked up from his meal to see the old hag looking at him with that straightforwardness he inherited from her.

 _(Or maybe not. After all, you never tell them about the dreams. You can’t even bring yourself to tell them you’re slowly going insane and that a part of you is okay with having imaginary friends because you’re just that fucking_ lonely-)

“What?” he grunted, jabbing the piece of katsudon with his chopsticks as an outlet for his aggression. Fucking _shut up_ brain.

His dad was glancing at him with something close to concern, which was only worsening his mood.

“You’ve been disappearing a lot these days brat. What’ve you been up to?” Red eyes identical to his own scrutinized him, twin flaring suns that dared you to look away. Because he’s a goddamn idiot, Katsuki looked her straight in the eyes without fear.

“Training.”

He wasn’t lying.

He’s been getting into a lot of creepy staring contests lately because the way she looked at him was beyond bizarre. The woman who hated vagueness with every fiber of her being was looking at him with something like _understanding_ before she simply said, “Okay.”

Katsuki and his dad both stared at her.

“What?” Katsuki choked out, a little shocked. He had expected demands of explanation, was expecting this very conversation for weeks since he started leaving the house with barely a by your leave. And instead, she was just continuing to calmly eat her meal as if she wasn’t acting as strange as Katsuki’s been lately?

_What the fuck was happening?_

His mom sighed and put down her spoonful of rice, exasperation all over her face. “Look shithead. I’m saying that I’m trusting your judgment and I’m not gonna make a big fucking deal for god's sake, okay? I told you before, do whatever the fuck you want. And if you ever need help, don’t be such a wuss and fucking ask. Ya got that?”

Katsuki was speechless.

His dad, the fucking asshole, actually looked amused by this turn of events and started to pick up his chopsticks again. “Yes dear.”

“Oh shut it.”

Not for the first time, Katsuki couldn’t help think his family’s dynamics were fucked up.

It didn’t stop the gross fuzzy balls he’ll deny existed to roll around in his stomach.

* * *

 

It was like once Katsuki opened the gates even a tiny crack, it was all the world needed to kick it down and let the gremlins come in.

The shopping cart has become a necessity as he gathered as much scrap it could carry and pushed it between buildings and alleys towards the bastard’s place. It was the long way round, but after the first few times when he went through the streets and had crowds of people stare at him as if he was a crossdresser in traditional pink kimono, he figured it was the better option.

Besides, he figured becoming familiar with the dark backstreets of the red light district could be considered useful later.

Unfortunately, Katsuki was only able to take at maximum four trips back and forth and that was if he really pushed himself. It only shoved more coal to the fire that was Katsuki’s determination to go even further. The blond has been timing himself to go faster, striving to put more weight in each trip. He ignored the scratches in his hands growing in number, ignored how his legs stuttered when going uphill and desperate not to tumble backward. He embraced the pain because it was his best teacher and he was going to utilize it for all its worth.

He made it a policy to not use his quirk. It felt like cheating when the whole point of this was to make himself stronger, not just depend on his stupid quirk that has brought so much trouble in Katsuki’s life. _He will not be weak._

A month passed. By this point, the old man seemed resigned by Katsuki’s continued presence in his life, complaining every time they saw each other before they dissolved into bickering over prices again. Katsuki wanted to throttle him, shout that dealing with him wasn’t exactly sunshine and fucking daisies either.

But he digressed. Somebody has to be the mature one in this relationship.

This careful equilibrium continued with relative peace.

Until it was bulldozed over by the personification of a whirlwind.

Katsuki was at the beach working his butt off, minding his own damn business when a brash voice lurched into his hearing range.

_“Hey blondie!”_

Katsuki twitched at the address, his shoulders stiffening. It was too early in the morning and there was no one else in sight. So, they could only be talking to him.

_The hell?_

Who in the world would be talking to _him?_

Was it someone from school? Even if it was, nobody in their right minds would talk to him that casually, not if they didn’t want to be exploded in the face. Was this a sign of stranger danger? Did they think he was an easy target since he was just a kid? But no, it felt like there was only one person and they sounded too young. He got used to being able to tell with how aware he was of people paying attention to him.

Maybe mistaken identity?

Katsuki almost snorted.

With his luck? _Yeah right._

So with tense wariness, Katsuki turned around-

To be assaulted by target-practice-board eyes, barely two inches from his face.

_“What the fuck-”_

“Hello hello!” the lunatic laughed boisterously as Katsuki scrambled away with feet kicking sand in the air, his heart rabbit-fast as he tried to calm down from the maniac’s sudden appearance.

It was a she, which was unusual enough. His knife-sharp looks and infamy scared away any who tried, barely having to do anything but glare to chase them away. Spaghetti noodle pink hair swung this way and that as the girl practically vibrated in place, guileless manic smile fixed in place.

If the old man’s stare was unnerving, the girl’s was a literal gun pointing straight at his head with the shot ready to go off.

“What the fuck?” he couldn’t help repeat. His hands were spasming, undecided on the matter of whether he needed to blow something up soon.

Pinky laughed again as if he said something funny, which he didn’t, then gave a thumbs up to him with all the enthusiasm of an anime character on crack. A very potent, scary combination.

“I’ve seen you come to this beach a couple of times! Are you a fellow inventor in need of materials? Or a future pro-hero in training?” With the speed of light, she was suddenly _way too fucking close,_ barely inches from his face. “What is your quirk? Your name? Your story?” Their foreheads were touching now, two asteroids colliding into chaos. “Do you want to see my babies? Do you want me to make some babies for you? Really? Great!”

_What the actual fuck? What in the actual fuckity fuck?_

“Get the fuck back Pinky! _I’ll kill you!”_ he shouted, moving to shove her head away and only barely resisting the urge to kick her until she was a downed dog. She certainly had the shitty attitude of one.

Incredibly, she actually dodged the move like a goddamn _ninja_ and was unfazed. She was still smiling at him like he was the eighth wonder of the world and it was really unsettling.

“Oooh!” the crazy girl sounded enthusiastic at the prospect of being murdered. “Will you do it with your quirk? If you do, I’ll be able to measure you and see what I can improve! Okay!” Her feet started to bounce, whole body singing with anticipation. “Hit me with your best shot blondie!”

Katsuki was _lost_.

“What is _wrong_ with you?” he wanted to shake her until something from that head of hers came out so he can make some sense of her. He was half-tempted to believe though there was nothing between those ears. “Are you crazy? Do you want to die?”

“For the sake of my babies, of course!” she waved a dismissive hand as if she wasn’t outright bitch-slapping death into submission with her lack of fear. It would be inspiring if it weren’t so fucking _nuts_. “Only the best for them! First-hand experience is the best way to analyze quirks! So let’s hit it!”

Who the fuck were her _babies?_

It did not escape Katsuki that this was the longest conversation he’s had in years with someone his age.

It said a lot about him. Hell, _Deku_ probably has more social skills than him and that’s just _sad_.

“What the hell do you want from me?” Suspicion was ringing alarms in his mind, hissing at him that this eccentric act was all a trick to let his guard down and leave him confused. It was unfortunately working.

She looked at him as if _he_ was the slow one. The urge to murder was rising once again.

“I want to make and test my inventions on you! You seem like a pretty fascinating guy and I’m interested in you!” She leaned in again, cross-hairs for pupils with Katsuki as her target. “I’ve never seen someone look so determined to train to be a hero! It’s really stimulating! I want to see how far you’ll go!”

Katsuki opened his mouth, ready to deny her words, then immediately shut his jaws closed.

Didn’t he just tell himself he wouldn’t care what others thought? Let them think what they like, it wasn’t anyone’s business to know what he was training for. He wasn’t going to let others opinions or assumptions about him make him hesitate in doing what he wanted.

_“Do whatever the hell you want. Don’t give a shit what everyone else thinks, brat.”_

Huh. The old hag had it right all along.

Fuck, he realized, she can never find out. She’ll never let him live it down if she knew.

“Whatever,” was what he settled on, a neutral response at best.

Now that there was no reason to be angry, he was abruptly hyperaware of the fact he had no clue what he should do next. He wasn't used to this, being civil with people he didn't know. It left him unsure how to proceed, something that was triggering the beginning of what Katsuki could recognize as bubbling frustration directed at himself.

He wanted to tear his hair out, teeth already grinding in preparation. Why the fuck was he such a mess of a human being? Why couldn't he _not_ be angry for one goddamn second of his life?

 _God._ Just once, why couldn't he be anyone but Bakugou Katsuki?

Later on, Katsuki wouldn't be able to describe what happened next. All he remembered was how a wash of calm came over him, the world shifting right underneath his feet as it rocked back and forth in a soothing motion. He was _overwhelmed,_ a swirling vortex of emotions that he couldn't keep a hold of slipping through the cracks. _Bakugou Katsuki_ was spilling out with something new or very old stirring in his place, filled to the brim with burning heat. All of this happened in an instant in time, even though it felt like forever.

The end result had him relaxing rigid muscles, hands open instead of forming fists. His fingers itched to fiddle with worn fabric and it was strange to be wearing a shirt in summer. He was actually _sweating,_ which was curious but not the weirdest thing in the world so he brushed it off for now.

He felt steady in a way he shouldn't be inexperienced with, a thrumming of rightness sitting comfortably underneath his skin. Amusement starts to bubble up, the whole situation striking him as hilarious. It was hard not to when it’s been so long since he talked to anyone so eccentric and blunt. Strange as she was, at least she wasn’t a liar like everyone else he knew.

The amusement only seemed to increase at how still the girl suddenly went, staring at him with widening smiles and eyes. Was there something on his face?

“So?” he heard himself say, his tone amicable. “What’s your dream?”

Dreams were important after all. People’s goals were the core of their characters, how they see themselves and what they’re capable of. Having a dream meant you knew who you were in the world. Katsuki didn’t know what his was yet, but he’ll figure it out. He always did.

“I want to invent gadgets that the world’s never seen before!” she spread out her arms as if to emphasize how endless her dream stretched, the sky the limit. “I want to explore how far I can go, what new things I can build! I want people to buy my inventions and think wow, I never would’ve thought this was possible! I want to improve heroes and make them better! I want them to remember me, Hatsume Mei!”

She grinned, lightning in her eyes and oh, wow. He could definitely see himself getting along with her. It was déjà vu all over again only this time, she wasn’t regarding him with the expectation his dreams would match with hers. She was looking at him straight in the eye and simply stating what she wanted, not giving a damn about what he thought.

He wanted to grin back and match that passion so bad. He was light on his toes, the sea right behind him as he faced this girl who was unafraid of death. She would fit right in with his world, he was sure of it. He was riding high on excitement, the possibilities were always endless when meeting new people, new friends.

_Friends?_

Everything screeched to a stop at the word, his heart faltering. That sensation of elation and hope has popped and left him disoriented. He was crashing back to earth, the gates shutting closed once again and leaving him in the dark. He blinked rapidly, the scenery in front of him out of focus with Pinky’s eyes turning into four before going back to two.

What in the _everloving fuck_ was _that?_

He felt like someone had dug into him and fished out a familiar stranger who had the carefree gleefulness of a child. The lines of what made him Bakugou Katsuki had blurred, parts of himself he never even knew existed let out for everyone to see. He would feel disturbed if it weren’t for how natural it all was. It had slid in and made him feel more in control than he’s ever felt in his life, leaving him craving for more. Honestly, the fact that he wasn’t worried was what worried him the most.

The only thing that made the entire thing feel off was the ludicrous thought that, for some reason, Pinky would make a _wonderful_ friend when everything she’s shown so far was contrary to that. Everything about this was _baffling_.

Why in the world did any part of him desired to be friends with her? Wasn’t he five minutes ago still deciding whether or not she was a fraud?

 _But she’s not._ Something in him insisted. _Look at her. Trust her. It’s okay._

He forced himself to _see_. The potential he could see in her straight back and the easy way she admitted her purpose in life without fear of judgment. All of it felt so familiar, so full of color and insanity. Everything was screaming at him to take a chance. He thought of lonely years with only ghosts to keep for company.

_Ah, what the hell._

“That’s a good dream.” He said sincerely. Because it was, no matter how crazy the ambitious girl was. He held out a hand, the same way Deku once did all those years ago. Only it wasn’t a sign of weakness, but to begin something new. “Bakugou Katsuki.”

“Hatsume Mei.” Her maniacal grin did nothing to dissuade Katsuki she was completely nuts. She took the hand and shook it like an up-and-down windmill. It felt a little like he sold his soul to the devil.

It felt a little like coming home.

* * *

 

A man sneezed.

“Why do I feel like the world’s going to end due to capitalism and explosions?”

“Captain, the world was _always_ going to end because of that.”

“Oh, that’s true. _Dahahahahaha!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had to end that there. I am so proud of myself. (wipes away a tear) But in all seriousness, the chapters are usually going to end with snatches of events that may seem unrelated to the fic but it will all make sense later in the story. I swear, there _is a plan._ (I can't get over the fact there's an actual plan.)
> 
> But yay! Bakugou is making progress! Somewhat! March forward little angry dandelion!


	3. calm waters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It happens.” The old man repeated flatly, disbelieving. Katsuki frowned, irritated.
> 
> “It’s just a cut.”
> 
>  
> 
> _“It’s half the length of your upper arm you crazy pest.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to kickstart soon and I hope all of you enjoy the ride. I am so excited to hear what you think at the end of it, and I am so nervous that the pacing of this story will sound off. There’s been questions in the comments section, and I promise that everything will make sense. Eventually.
> 
> Also, there is something I want to apologize for. I don’t know if anyone noticed, but I have this really bad habit of editing after posting, so like, there are things I added or cleaned up in my previous chapters. There was a part of me that felt dissatisfied at some parts after rereading it and I just, I had to change it. I am so sorry, I’ll try not to do it again and will warn you if it happens. (sigh)
> 
> Also, in the future, I’m going to post meta!rants about this fic on my tumblr, especially about the relationship between Bakugou & Midoriya cause it’s really _really_ complicated. So if anyone has any questions, I will try my best to answer without spoiling anything over on tumblr. I really want to discourse over this particular fic especially cause, omg, like I said, I have so many headcanons man. So please feel free if you ever feel like doing so!

_Katsuki heard the snickers before he saw them, the sound full of mirthless malice._

_He had been heading towards the courtyard with the giant tree to eat his lunch and take a nap under the shade. Nobody ever invaded what ultimately became, ‘Bakugou’s spot’, left unbothered by the general populace._

_Curiosity drove him to glance in the classroom – his classroom he realized – to see a couple of extras whispering and holding an item Katsuki instantly recognized._

_It was one of Deku’s stupid hero notebooks, riddled with analyzations and detailed drawings. If Deku wasn’t so determined to be a hero, he would make a decent artist, something that Katsuki couldn’t help but envy._

_“Oh man, the loser’s gonna_ freak _. Serves him right for being such a creep. Look at this stuff.”_

 _“He’s so stupid. What, does he think_ this _is his ticket way in to be a hero? What a hopeless idiot! As if someone quirkless like him can accomplish anything!”_

Don’t you look down on someone else’s dream. _Katsuki wanted to yell. He felt the fury waiting to be unleashed upon these fools, wanted to hurt them until they looked unrecognizable. Instead, before he could think twice, he marched in and kicked a chair, shutting them up instantly._

_“Bakugou!” Extra #1 sounded shocked._

_“Give it here,” Katsuki growled lowly. “Or I’ll kick your asses.”_

_He didn’t know why he bothered. Nothing about this was about the stupid Deku and everything to do with how these fucking numbskulls were irritating the hell out of Katsuki and he just wanted them to_ stop _. These days, impulse won over logic and only the thin string of control was preventing him from burning this whole school to the ground._

_Extra #2 seemed to have some guts, cause he looked vexed enough to argue back. It made Katsuki want to breathe out poisonous smoke and fill the room with his choking anger._

_“Why are you interfering?” his demanding tone was irking, as if he has any right to ask. “It’s his fault people think you’re a villain now! Just pretend you didn’t see anything and go!”_

_That managed to take Katsuki aback. Most would assume he would join in this petty thing they were trying to accomplish, not trying to stop them. Hell, the dimwit actually sounded genuinely confounded by Katsuki’s actions, firm in this assumption that contradicted Katsuki’s infamous reputation._

_It set Katsuki_ ablaze _because who the_ fuck _was this no-namer questioning what Katsuki did and bringing up_ that _again? He certainly wasn’t acting smug or mocking like the rest of this school’s herd._

_Katsuki squinted at the kid, trying to see what made him any different-_

_Ah._

_He remembered now._

_“You’re that extra who used to follow me around,” Katsuki said in realization. The wings kid, right. The last time he saw him was right before the ‘incident.’ He hadn’t been at all surprised at the time when his followers ditched him, merely thinking it was confirmation that everyone in this school was trash. This place stunk worse than the beach at its foulest or the hazy recalling of an island of scrap full of shitty human beings burnt to the crisp. The smell of sizzling human flesh had him throwing up in the bathroom a few times before he learned to swallow the bile back._

_So to compare that experience to what he goes through every day in this hellhole of an educational institution? It said a lot._

_“Anyway, who gave you permission to talk to me so casually, huh?” Katsuki drawled out, holding up his hand and letting loose a few threatening small explosions. The boy next to old-extra looked terrified._

_Good, at least he has some common fucking sense._

_In comparison, the other idiot only seemed to be getting even more flustered._

_“He ruined your life!” the boy insisted and holy shit, this shitface was giving Deku_ way _too much fucking credit._

_Katsuki almost wanted to laugh. Everything would be so much easier if Katsuki really did just blame the hopeless crybaby for all his troubles. Un-fucking-fortunately for everyone involved, the hot mess that was Bakugou Katsuki was all on him. The idea of Deku having that much power over him made Katsuki want to kick the stupid extra piece of shit in the crotch for even suggesting it. Or the face. Either would be satisfying._

_He gave him a look that screamed you-fucking-_ dumbass _because the boy was starting to look like a tomato. Rare humor flickered at the sight and Katsuki was tempted to cackle. Instead, he stalked up to them and ignored the way they flinched when he got too close as he snatched the notebook from their trembling hands. Face leaning forward, Katsuki curled his lips into something menacing, eyes blood red and scorching._

_“Listen the fuck up, cause I’m not saying this twice.” He hissed. “You think you’re hot shit and all fucking above that useless Deku? Give me a fucking break. Stop wasting your time kicking down on others before taking a good look at yourself, shitheads. It makes you look more pitiful than him. The fact Deku has a dream and you don’t, what the hell does that make you?”_

What did that make Katsuki?

 _“So if I ever see you doing something like this again,_ I’ll turn you into ashes.” _Katsuki backed up, hellfire grin that spoke of unspeakable savagery taking up half his face._ “Now scatter.”

_They didn’t need to be told twice._

_The blond watched as they escaped like panicking vermin on polished floors. The lowest of the low, running like cowards. Katsuki didn’t miss the way Extra #1 glared at him with utter loathing as he left. He recognized the envy, the hate towards the number one in their class who sat high on his pedestal that people have tried to topple him off of._

_They were waiting for him to fall, to slip up and be eaten by the hounds. And for what, to prove that they were better than him? To feel better about themselves? To gloat the great Bakugou Katsuki was beaten?_

_Didn’t they realize how utterly small it made them when they did?_

_There will always be someone stronger in the world. Always someone stronger, faster, better. How egotistical or stupid could one be? There were literally billions and trillions of people on this earth. How was it even possible to think you can be the king of this limitless world full of impossibilities? It was arrogance at its highest, and downright foolish at its worst._

_For people to make Katsuki their goal was laughable to the blond. They have no goddamn idea he was drowning in a special kind of madness. There was no pedestal, only a void that left Katsuki cold and clinging to any source of heat._

_He shook away his thoughts as he felt his veins turn into ice, causing him to shiver just thinking about it._

_Katsuki looked down at the notebook, fingers glided over the creases caused by such rough handling._  Hero Analysis for the Future’ _was in a messy scrawl, the No. 5 big and bold. He could see the time and effort Deku poured into the pages, worn out and loved._

_He sighed, suddenly tired. He was holding a child’s security blanket, and he never felt so ancient in contrast._

_Nevertheless, he went to Deku’s desk and carefully put it back in the bag, zipping it up for good measure. He retrieved his lunch and left the room, too ready to take a nap and leave the day behind him._

_If he wasn’t so tired, he would’ve noticed green eyes watching him walk away with turmoil storming in his chest._

* * *

Any positive emotions Katsuki was capable of feeling towards Hatsume Mei has been completely eradicated and replaced with unholy ire and aggravation.

She was the she-devil herself, matching his stubbornness with equal force and enthusiasm. She was the bane of his existence, the crossbreed of an insane daredevil and an evil mad scientist who has the genius to commit world domination and _succeed_. By accident no less, since she was more likely to huddle away in her garage than bother conquering anything.

“Hey, _Baka_ gou!” A face was _right there_ in front of him, upside down and hanging on the low ceiling bar with her legs. She looked like an over-caffeinated, deranged monkey with that too wide smile and eyes.

Somewhere in that sentence brought a wave of familiarity, along with the nimbleness of how she moved. Katsuki brushed past the thought with long practice.

This was, unfortunately, a sight more common than Katsuki was comfortable with being used to. He was becoming numb, a shocker.

Not to mention-

“The fuck did you call me?” he growled, palms lighting up aggressively. It did nothing to the mechanic as she smiled devilishly at him, having the time of her life.

These were the moments Katsuki full-heartedly wished she were afraid of him like everyone else. She alone was full on decimating his reputation. It would be a nightmare if anyone he knew met her.

“ _Baka_ gou, obviously! Are you going deaf at your young age? It would make sense with that boom boom quirk of yours.” She noted thoughtfully.

_“Boom boom?”_

“Yeah!” she made small gestures with her hands, spreading out her curled up fingers into a bursting motion while making explosive sound effects. “It makes sense! Bakagou is Bakagou, right?”

Vaguely, Katsuki felt like there was something awfully familiar about this whole situation.

“Fucking Mechabitch.” He muttered.

It turned out to be a mistake. The girl _lit up_ like fireworks _._

“Oooh!” she leaned even closer, their noses practically touching. Katsuki refused to budge and display his awkwardness at this move. “Personalized nicknames! I’ve never done this before! I like it!”

Wow. They are just. All human disasters. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t dark comedy at its best. The two crazies befriending one another in the outskirts of society. The start of a bad joke.

Well fucking _ha ha_ to those fuckers. By the time they realize the terrible chemical mix-up that the two of them were, it would be too late. Say hi from the moon, you _imbeciles_. Cause that’s where Katsuki was going to catapult them to, the bitch’s rockets and explosions helping in this endeavor.

Imagining the utter violence and chaos of such a scenario, Katsuki felt his vexation drop to the low-heat setting of an oven fire, hardly there yet still threatening to rise.

Snarling, he roughly shoved the girl’s face back, forcing her to tilt it so he could take a step forward to where the ratty couch was. Muscle memory that didn’t exist reminded him it was much like swiping jungle leaves away from the path, holding it back before letting the massive greenery go so it could swing to its original straightness again.

The imagery almost made Katsuki snort, a common reaction lately. Flares of amusement were slowly becoming not cases of anomalies. It was somewhat amazing, not that he would ever tell the pinkette of her influence on him.

Reaching the couch, he flopped himself down and put his feet up on a beat up television more suited for the 90’s, sinking into the only thing in this entire workshop that wasn’t hard edges and absolute mania. The single furniture almost made the place feel lived in, a thought that wasn’t as surprising as most would think. Put in a mini fridge and the mechanic would probably never leave if she could. The bathroom wasn’t even that far away, a blessing in itself.

(He once found her literally vibrating in her chair after 24 hours of nonstop work, having wondered where the fuck the annoying girl was until he finally threw up his hands and decided to hunt her down. He had to physically pry her away and force her to take a shower and eat a meal to be close enough to human she was capable of.

The girl’s mother looked close to prostrating when she saw him cooking in the Hatsume kitchen, the smell of spicy chicken and fried rice battling oil and smoke. The event forever left Katsuki in the woman’s good books, so relieved was she that her daughter has an actual _friend_.

Katsuki spent the entire night afterward tossing and turning, turmoil in his gut just thinking about that damn loaded word. It felt different hearing it from an outsider looking in, instead of Mei declaring it to weasel things out of him. He was entirely silent the next day, Mei’s words washing over him as he stared at her intently, wondering how his life came to this.)

He got comfortable where he sat, growling, “Just shut the fuck up bitch.” She easily laughed, ignoring the fact he could’ve exploded her face off with his sweaty palm. Ignored how he could’ve scarred her forever or even killed her if he had reached for her neck instead.

It’s not like she didn’t know he could either. Her insane trust in him made him want to shake her sometimes, to wake up and stop being so goddamn delusional. Why she was so convinced that he wouldn’t hurt her left him mystified, off-balanced in this show of faith.

He didn’t know _what_ he did to earn it, but he could already feel the desperation to not let it go no matter what it took. If that meant holding back most of his murderous temper, he would. And to be perfectly honest, it actually wasn’t that hard despite all expectations.

After their bewildering first encounter, they ended up bumping into each other at random intervals with far more frequency than Katsuki would’ve predicted. He figured out later it was because the mechanic actively seeks him out, coming back to the beach to catch him when she felt like it. In their second meeting, he remembered being baffled by how genuinely happy she was to see him and in under a minute was dragged to who-knows-where by the hand, ending up ditching his regime with barely any aplomb. It all just kinda... happened.

He still claims he didn’t know why he let her at the time. Privately, he knew it was the shock of recollections of someone else much younger holding his hand, the surety of the girl’s grip instinctively having him tighten the hold in his daze. Her nonstop chatter only heightened the sensation, warmth spreading to his toes reminiscent of the good dreams. He half-believed he sleepwalked or hallucinated particularly strongly at the time. He still wasn’t sure which.

The second they reached her workshop – or her garage but honestly workshop was more accurate –she immediately plopped a giant metal part in his arms without warning and cheerfully ordered him to hold it up so she could attach it to whatever the hell project it was at the time. It may have been a suit of armor. He still didn’t know to this day.

He had thrown the item down, unbelievably infuriated and slightly impressed by the balls on this girl, and was merely laughed at when he started to scream bloody murder.

“Come on Explodo!” she said at the time, the lunatic. “Think of it as carrying weights! It’s going to take me a while to attach the plate where it’s supposed to go. And heroes help people! Friends help friends!” Her yellow eyes were practically sparkling, a direct attack on Katsuki’s sense of logic. “And we’re friends, right? So no takebacks! Keep your word!”

She grinned with all the wiliness of a fox who knew they won because _fuck_ , she was pressing all his goddamn buttons and it was _working_.

He knew he was being manipulated. He could walk away and say forget this whole shindig deal friendship was supposed to be, but he _couldn’t_. He promised himself he would do better, and he already admitted to himself he was intrigued by the idea of making her an ally. Bakugou Katsuki was many things, but he wasn’t an oath breaker.

Snapping his head away so he would avoid seeing that shit-eating grin, he picked up the piece of metal and simply groveled out, “Where?”

The bitch practically _beamed_ at his answer.

It was history after that. For a while, he thought at first she simply ‘befriended’ him because she just liked having someone to lug around her stuff, having been reduced to a pack mule with how she directed him around to ‘Hold this! Hold that!’ Sometimes, she even tried to exploit his quirk, which was a first with how terrified people were when seeing what he could do.

_(It used to be different. All of them were fakes, liars, only caring about the superficial instead of Katsuki himself. He was practically a character in a comic book, powerful quirk only equating to hero or villain in their eyes. It made him want to roar.)_

It was only after some long exposure that he figured out that no, the bitch was like that with everyone. She laughed every time he yelled at her, talked constantly, and wasn’t afraid to slap him hard on the back or shoulder when she got overexcited. There wasn’t an ounce of fear in her actions.

And he grew... tolerant, after a while.

It was different, the bickering, teasing relationship they have. Like they were equals in her eyes, just some kid she managed to rope into her inventions and willing enough to stay. With such an abrasive, intense personality like hers that scared people away, he wondered if she ever felt lonely.

So he took the cutesy nicknames, the boisterous attitude and the lack of personal boundaries.

It felt... nice, to be treated like a person instead of a bomb waiting to go off.

After some time, he stopped being reminded of the ghosts, the unreal. Some actions triggered it, but the girl was nobody but herself, no mysterious figure badgering at him to recall something forgotten, no dreams morphing and having her play as a character. She was real as they come, even if she was too eccentric for this world to handle.

Katsuki closed his eyes and relaxed, lulled by the sound of metal meeting metal, creative disorder surrounding him on all sides. It was the kind of loudness Katsuki could get used to, unlike a thousand whispers and dull city sounds buzzing tediously in the ear.

There was no one like Hatsume Mei. Never in a million years would he admit it, but he was grateful for that reliable fact.

“Stop sleeping on the job Bakagou! I need you to heat this up for me. I’m not paying you to do nothing.”

_“I don’t fucking work for you, you bitchy shit.”_

Just not today.

* * *

He was at the beach, alone without anyone disturbing him for once, when someone finally broke that streak by causing prickling unease. He was being watched.

Katsuki lasted all but ten minutes before finally getting fed up and swung his head around to look for the unsettling presence. It only took a few seconds, the unwanted observer having not bothered to hide and standing right above the beach on the sidewalk in plain view.

The first thing he noticed about her was her hair.

It was white as snow, a trait that usually made Katsuki think about old spinsters, but not this time. Her dark skin and tall stature made her stick out, traits you would only see halfway around the world. A foreigner in every way possible.

It was her eyes, however, that has him fixated.

They were blue. Blue and dark as the bottom of the ocean, holding secrets and monsters the human species could never hope to discover but would still die trying. You could spend years exploring in those depths but you’ll never find the skeletons hiding underneath the sand. They’re buried too deep for any man to find.

Combined with the rest of her deceptive delicateness, she was fucking terrifying. Terrifying, because there was something familiar in seeing such bottomless hunger. Everything about her told him he should know her, but he didn’t. Only this sense of recognition setting him alight, anticipation quaking in his chest.

Something in him has shaken loose, begging him to respond to this stranger who has a look in their eye that he saw every day in the mirror.

It made him beyond wary. Never in his life has he felt like this. Even Deku never brought out this awakened feeling in him, making him want to reach out and touch to see if she was real. To instantly know that whatever he said to her, she would _understand_. She would always understand.

“Hello.” The woman said. She smiled, eyes crinkling with human warmth.

Katsuki didn’t trust it for a second.

“What do you want?” he flatly demanded. He shoved all swirling feelings aside as best as he could. It was incredibly difficult and he felt himself leaning forward, completely fixated on this intruder.

Definitely worse than Deku. It wasn’t clear if this could be blamed on his own insanity with the world free of imaginary sights. The sky remained the sky, the sea was still the sea, and the woman remained unchanging. On any other day, this would’ve been a relief.

He stiffened when she smiled, the action completely void of anything.

“I see you at this beach all the time.”

“You following me or something?”

“Not at all. I walk past here a lot. I just moved here the beginning of summer.” She sounded amused. It pissed him off deeply, irrationally. The fact he was this soundly irritated at all only turned his mood fouler. The only good thing was that it made it easier to ignore the rest of his mixed emotions.

He scowled hard, arms crossed in front of his chest. “You didn’t answer my question.”

Her dark eyes were half-lidded now, smile still intact.

“What makes you think I want anything?”

“People like you always do.” He instinctively shot back. Satisfaction rolled in his chest when he saw the woman blink, passiveness cracking at this observation. It returned, however, a little more perilous and a real curve to her lips. There was a rush of challenge in Katsuki’s bloodstream now, pounding the drums of war.

“I’m a curious person, that’s all.” The woman finally admitted. He could identify flinty truth hidden in her short response. He felt like he won this round, though of what he wasn’t sure.

Either way, he scoffed and declared, “You’re fucking creepy.” It was his final conclusion of her, blunt and solidly decided. From his own reactions and the woman’s utter blankness, it was a fair assessment to make.

It earned him a laugh that didn’t ring false, full of bells and surprising lightness. It didn’t suit her, yet it did at the same time. _Multifaceted_ , he thought as the sun shined on her eyesore of a hair color. _Just like the ocean._

The comparison appeased his agitation slightly. He knew the ocean, what it was like. Always changing yet the same, certain patterns predictable yet unpredictable at the same time. Difficult, but he knew how to handle it. He could never control it, but that was fine. He didn’t feel the urge to unlike everything else in his life.

So he waited for the woman to calm, watching her as she stifled the sound behind a hand as if she was used to hiding her emotions from the world. It made him feel a flicker of interest despite himself, for he has the same exact habit.

“So I’ve been told.” She sounded absolutely delighted over this fact.

“By who?”

She smiled mysteriously.

“People I know.”

It was an answer heavy with unexplained meaning. He couldn’t parse it out, causing him to furrow his brows in frustration. She laughed again, hand covering her mouth again.

It’s odd, how he’s meeting people who have a tendency to laugh at him these days. Not maliciously, but with real amusement as if they found him irrevocably funny. He still didn’t know if this was something he should be bothered about.

Other than that, it felt right to see her like this. She looked like someone who didn’t do it often, at least not honestly. Another sense of recognition zinged through his chest at the thought.

“Well,” the woman said after finishing laughing, a small smile on her lips. “It’s very nice to meet you Mr. Dandelion.”

Silence.

 _“The fuck did you just call me?”_ He thundered, practically frothing at the mouth.

His fury reached the maximum level when the woman continued to smile serenely at him like this was _exactly_ what she intended. Whatever patience he had was wiped out and replaced by wholesome _rage_. It was cleansing, honest. He has a target and _it was her face_.

This fucking bitch was going _down_.

Only to be ruined when she started to turn away, back facing him which was a _purely stupid move_. So stupid that he couldn’t take advantage of it or else it looked bad on him.

“I’ll talk to you later Mr. Dandelion.”

 _“Like fucking hell you are!”_ he hollered.

She started to laugh as Katsuki’s bellowing reached the heavens.

 _If I ever see her again._ Katsuki vowed vehemently. _I’ll rearrange her face to match her twisted personality._

He could practically _taste_ the filthy lies on his tongue at the promise. He wasn’t going to do it, he could already tell. Instead, something in him was already thinking _I’m going to make her laugh again no matter what._

It’s fucking confusing, to say the least.

* * *

 

That night, his dream involved no people, nor the endless anger he found himself lost in many times until it bled into his waking hours.

Instead, Katsuki was sinking in that deep blue, unable to move a single muscle. He couldn’t breathe, his old fear of drowning at sea coming back to life as panic only let more bubbles escape his mouth as he silently screamed. He couldn’t even see the blue anymore, the color fading until he was swallowed by the abyss, so deep under with no way to know he’ll ever reach the bottom.

He was plummeting like an anchor and there was nobody to save him, to know he was going to die from the very thing he dearly loved so much-

As his vision began to blur with black spots from lack of oxygen starting to take over, a hand was suddenly in front of him. He didn’t know where it came from, whose it belonged to at all, or why he could see it so clearly in the darkness. But he couldn’t move, couldn’t bring his heavy arm up to reach out and take it. He wanted to cry at his own inability, salvation so near yet he couldn’t save himself.

The last thing he saw before waking up was that hand fading from view, everything turning black.

Katsuki woke up and sobbed so hard that he was left gasping for air for a couple of minutes, muffling the sound with his blankets as he curled his head inward between his knees.

He never knew his dreams could get worse, but he was proven wrong tonight.

Because this time, there was _hope_.

And it was the scariest thing he’s ever experienced.

* * *

“What’s that?”

Katsuki blinked at the non sequitur, the old man having interrupted their nearly daily argument over the prices.

By this point in their arrangement, Katsuki was inside the man’s wacky home, the inside of it homey despite all expectations. Other than the bathroom, there didn’t seem to be a room so much as a mashup of a bedroom, kitchen, and workshop all in one open area. The other weird thing was the painted walls that mimicked the sky, exceedingly realistic and very bright if one stared too long.

Katsuki was all but used to the odd arrangement of the place by now. He was sitting on a perfect metal square, the cart next to him as he sat waiting for the man to finish inspecting every find.

The old man was glaring at him with intensity now.

“What’s what?” Katsuki responded blankly.

“That! On your arm!”

Oh. Right. He completely forgot about that. Glancing at it, Katsuki couldn’t figure out why the old man was pointing it out at all. Probably because he was losing this bargain.

“Oh, this. I forgot about it.” He said nonchalantly.

“What did you do boy?” the old man sounded worried.

“Nothing. It happens sometimes.”

After all, he was handling sharp objects most of the times, some of them being glass. It stung like a bitch, but it wasn’t serious. He’ll just go to Mei’s place and clean it later.

“It happens.” The old man repeated flatly, disbelieving. Katsuki frowned, irritated.

“It’s just a cut.”

_“It’s half the length of your upper arm you crazy pest.”_

Katsuki felt himself bristle at the condescending tone, back straightening and scowl turning fierce.

“Something like this is not gonna kill me. I’m not weak.” he hissed. It only seemed to incense the old man in turn, his gaze behind his glasses turning severe.

“This isn’t about _weakness_ boy. Kami, what kind of life have you been living so far?”

“This is nothing, seriously. Stop freaking out already.” This was laughable compared to-

 _(there was a literal emptiness in his chest area, hot and screaming in utter agony, he swore he could enter his entire hand_ right through- _)_

“I’ve been through worse.”

Something must have slipped in his voice because the man was eyeing him up and down now as if looking for the scars that were apparent in his tone alone. The old man heaved a sigh before abruptly standing up, marching to where the kitchen was. To Katsuki’s bemusement, he was opening up the top cabinets until he seemed to find what he was looking for, hauling some white box down that Katsuki identified as a first aid kit, though it was definitely bigger than what Katsuki was used to seeing. Katsuki’s bemusement only grew as the old man started to wash his hands in the kitchen sink, thoroughly cleaning his hands.

Once he finished, he hauled the handled box towards Katsuki until he was in front of him, pulling his own chair closer to the blond before opening the slightly intimidating looking box. Katsuki never saw so many medical types of equipment all in one place in his life, literally everything that would belong to a hospital stuffed in there.

The old man finally looked at Katsuki and held out a hand, making ‘give me’ gestures toward him. “Hand me your arm. We need to disinfect the wound.”

Like hell he will. He wasn’t going to put himself in debt with someone he fought to have equal footing with.

As if he could already read his thoughts, the old man glowered and said, “Are you really going to risk your health with that pride of yours boy? Thought you were smarter than that.”

Which, fuck. The man wasn’t wrong. Katsuki was beginning to hate the fact that people around him were starting to read him better. A consequence in his quest to stave off loneliness.

Therefore, with a begrudging sigh, Katsuki held out his arm and let the man do what he wanted.

Katsuki ended up surprised by how efficient the man was, his movements practiced as if he did this a million times before. He cleaned the cut with a bowl of water and soap that he has to get up and prepare, making it sting shortly as he got the dirt and sand out with a wet cloth. There wasn’t much to get out, seeing how it wasn’t that deep and Katsuki had dipped the appendix in the ocean which hurt a hell lot more than it did now. The man didn’t even need to use tweezers.

As the old man got out the ointment, Katsuki couldn’t help but ask, “Why the fuck do you have so much of this shit?”

“Just in case brat. Now stay still.” The old man barely glanced up, “You don’t have any allergies, do you?”

“No.”

“Okay.” He said shortly before getting back to work. Katsuki wasn’t even paying attention, focusing on the fact that the man was lying through his teeth. It was a strange thing to lie about and Katsuki was curious despite himself. He didn’t really know anything about the old man other than his awful fashion sense and decorating skills. To see a glimpse of some unknown secret from a man who was as direct as Katsuki was intriguing.

It wasn’t his place though, so Katsuki stayed quiet. He knew better than anyone not to pry into someone’s business, especially when they didn’t want to talk about it.

It took a bit of time for the old man to wrap up his wound in bandages, careful and meticulous. When he finished, the spectacled man stared pensively at his work before looking up, his expression grave.

“Take better care of yourself.” The old man said solemnly. “Don’t start throwing away your life.”

It was an odd thing to say to a ten-year-old kid with such a minor injury. Yet it was said with such seriousness, as if the old man saw something in Katsuki to be troubled about, saw his drive as something to be feared, contained.

The words stirred a behemoth of defiance in him, protesting and disagreeable. Before he knew it, Katsuki was already opening his mouth to say, “Some things are worth it though.”

 _Dreams, honor, duty, loyalty, freedom_ , and so many other reasons. If one wasn’t ready to die then life has no worth. Reasons were what made life precious, worth protecting, to fight for.

To Katsuki’s surprise, the old man didn’t disagree. He simply said, “Maybe,” sounding melancholy.

Katsuki wondered what the old man had to have given up to sound like that.

* * *

The baby was crying. Again.

Katsuki was ready to detonate and he bet any other sane person would too, so nobody could blame him if he did.

He was in the grocery store in line with the biggest headache up to date because the baby three people behind him was crying like a fucking monster. If it weren’t for the demon’s age, the blond would be tempted to nail the kid’s quirk something to do with sound enhancement. Fuck, what idiot parent brought a screaming baby to a public place? Babies should be banned and thrown out if Katsuki has a say in it.

From the looks of the other people in line, they were all in universal agreement.

This was the old hag’s fault. The moment he got home early for once, she shoved a list in his face and barked at him to go grocery shopping like the fucking dictator she claimed she wasn’t. That claim is almost as crazy as he was.

He closed his eyes, breathing through his nose as he prayed for patience. At least until he got the fuck out of this hell.

It took twenty minutes until he finally reached the cash register and bought everything he needed to so he could book it. The moment he left the store, he nearly gave in the urge to drop his bags and kiss the goddamn ground in thanks for managing to survive and escape.

The relief only lasted until he looked to his right and immediately froze when he spotted a familiar figure who was staring straight back.

He knew that green shade of hair anywhere.

_Oh fuck no._

“Hello, Katsuki-kun.” Midoriya Inko greeted him, her expressive face blooming with pleasant surprise. The warmth in her voice made Katsuki want to squirm.

“Midoriya-san.” He managed respectfully. His back straightened habitually and he wasn’t even annoyed. Uncharacteristic nervousness was starting to take hold.

Since he was a kid, there was something about Midoriya Inko that made him automatically be on his best behavior. Before he saw her use her quirk for the first time, he had been convinced she had some kind of empathy quirk, an ability to calm anyone down just by smiling at them. It was impossible to be mad at the woman when she was always welcoming and gentle to Katsuki even though he probably didn’t deserve it. It was always like this, time and distance doing nothing to lessen this power she seemed to have over him.

With anyone else, he would’ve hated how easily she could dismantle him with such kindness. It felt different in comparison to her son, even though their personalities were so similarly caring and good. Katsuki could never figure out why that was exactly. It was simply another mystery he accepted as a part of life.

“Ah!” she looked flustered as she waved her hands in front of her, a textbook copy of Deku. “Please just call me Auntie like before, Katsuki-kun. It feels far too formal.”

“Auntie.” He repeated back dutifully. Figuring he should continue, he added, “You grocery shopping?”

“Yes!” she smiled at him and Katsuki wanted to _run_. “We’re running low on vegetables and I want to make Omurice for dinner.”

Before he knew what he was doing, Katsuki was already opening his mouth to say, “I’ll carry that for you. It looks heavy.”

Fucking _hell_.

If only everyone Katsuki knew could see him now, being too polite for his own fucking good.

The way Auntie perked up made Katsuki want to punch something. Particularly himself. _In the face._

Why was he doing this? He already knew this was going to end in disaster. It should be a crime how often he seemed to self-sabotage his own existence and end up in these situations. Shit.

He wasn’t going to take it back though. Those bags really did look heavy.

So with a dead man’s resignation, he took the bags carefully as one of them held a carton of eggs, and they both began to walk out of the store.

It was a quiet day, the sun setting low and most people at home to avoid the summer heat. It was the kind of day that made Katsuki yearn to be at the beach once more, the water cool, as he would walk near the shorelines. If he closed his eyes, he swore he could almost hear the ocean itself, whispering at him to come to chase the adventures it offers.

If this bliss was addiction, Katsuki would forever sail those waters until the day he died. The dream did absolutely nothing to hinder his obsession. There was no other option for him, none he could possibly see besides.

_(Or maybe this was just a sign of cowardice. To run away from everything and simply live in the present without thinking ahead of tomorrow. What a naïve, carefree way to live._

_He envied it.)_

_One step at a time._ Katsuki mindlessly let his feet carry him and his heavy thoughts. For now, he’ll take it one step at a time. He’ll go crazy if he thought about this any longer.

“Where’s De-Izuku anyway?” he grunted, the name fitting wrong on his tongue. It felt too personal, a right that Katsuki lost a long time ago. “Shouldn’t he be the one helping you with this? Is he an idiot?”

Auntie laughed and Katsuki tried not to startle at the sound. Katsuki still wasn’t used to people genuinely being amused because of him. He was starting to wear down, but it was an ongoing thing.

He still has no idea if that was a good thing to get used to.

“He said he wanted to check some All Might merchandise. There’s a 50% off sale this weekend.”

Something like worry and pride flitted across her round face. She was doing that thing where she was twisting her fingers together, a common sign of anxiety Katsuki’s noticed since childhood. And how could she not, with a son too stubborn and nosy for his own good?

“... He still wants to be a hero you know.” Katsuki commented quietly, sharply. He searched her face, not sure what exactly he was looking for.

“I know,” she replied, equally as subdued.

“And you’re okay with that?” he couldn’t help but ask. Auntie was so different from Mitsuki, softer and more sensitive by miles.

To his surprise, she simply nodded with confidence that was unexpected coming from her.

“I will be.” She sounded sure. There was the fear in her voice like any mother would be, but the note of steel in her tone dared anyone to laugh.

Katsuki felt his respect for the woman reach new heights. He knew there was nothing worse than being left behind.

_(oh god he’s dead he left us how will they survive how can he take care of that idiot alone he’s gone he’s too far from him now please don’t leave me-)_

“Do _you_ think he can?” she asked him abruptly, snapping him out of it. Green eyes bore into scarlet, waiting as the question sunk in and made Katsuki look away first.

“That’s up to him. My opinion doesn’t matter.” Katsuki gritted out, hands clenching harder on the handles of the shopping bags.

“It matters to him.”

“It shouldn’t. We’re-” he faltered, not sure if he should go on. Did she even know? Did Deku tell her nothing about what their frazzled, thin relationship was now? The questions sprung to mind but looking at Auntie’s honest eyes, he couldn’t bring himself to lie. So with a weight in his chest, he pressed on.

“Auntie.” He breathed steadily. “Me and him, we’re not friends anymore.”

“I know.”

Katsuki’s head whipped around to look at her, stunned. She stared calmly back, that sad gentle smile still directed at him.

His throat was seizing, a hard lump forming.

“Then why...?” he trailed off. Why are you okay with this? Why aren’t you treating me any differently?

Why are you always so kind to me?

Auntie hummed, a small smile playing on her lips. “You know, when Izuku told me you wanted to be a hero, I was surprised.”

Lead dropped in his stomach, burning with bitterness. He hated that it startlingly stung, to hear it from someone he reluctantly respected, who actually knew him and watched him grow up. Everyone looked at heroes and saw them as the pinnacle of good. The implication that he wasn’t capable, wasn’t _good_ enough like Deku, sent a pang in his chest. She judged his character and found it wanting. Swallowing down the disappointment, his next words came out sour. “Is it that hard to believe?”

“Not at all.” He startled, self-loathing interrupted. She must’ve seen something on his face because she suddenly looked angry, though he could tell it wasn’t at him. After a moment of composing herself, she continued. “If you put your mind to it, you would be an amazing hero. I truly believe that. But you never struck me as someone who would be a hero because other people said you could.”

“Katsuki-kun, no matter what happens in the future, you can do anything you put your mind to. And,” she sniffed, but no tears were falling. She smiled a sincere smile. “I hope one day both of you will be friends again. I don’t know what you’re going through right now, but I hope you will reach a point where both of you could meet.”

His heart constricted, terror running through his veins. His urge to run was back, and he didn’t know where to go. That ever-present kindness made him want to flee like nothing else did, turned the warrior into a boy who didn’t know how to deal with such unearned belief and faith. It was absurd, how much she believed such an outcome when Katsuki couldn’t imagine it for the life of him. He saw impossible things every night in his dreams and even half believed them, yet couldn’t deal with this heartfelt confession.

Not for the first time, Katsuki wanted to scream _what is wrong with you_ to the people who looked at him and saw _worth_.

He swallowed thickly and didn’t say a word the entire trek back. Her words left him raw and exposed, such untainted honesty making him feel every inch the liar he was. He was lying to the whole damn world yet Auntie saw right fucking through him, encouraging him even if it meant he couldn’t be Deku’s friend. Even if it left her son friendless and alone, though she probably was unaware of that fact at least. He couldn’t imagine her saying this if she knew Deku’s full situation.

Fuck, he felt like he _owed_ her. He hated it with every fiber of his being even though he _knew_ she didn’t mean it like that. God, what the fuck was Deku doing? His own mother was willing to support his dream despite all fears, and yet he wasn’t _doing_ anything. Hell, did Deku even know his mother felt like this? Did Deku never talk to her or something and stewed alone like the idiot he was? It certainly sounded like something he would do, the fucker.

What, the world told him he couldn’t and he just _accepted_ it? One denial from his mom and the world and that was it? He had a dream, it was more than what Katsuki got going for him. Did Deku not realize that was all you needed to do anything in life?

Hell, Katsuki has _no fucking clue_ what he wanted to do, but he was _trying_. He couldn’t just sit on his ass and expect change to come. He couldn’t be like-

_Ah._

Katsuki blinked, something clicking.

So that’s why he was so furious and scared of Deku.

Katsuki thought about the straw-hatted boy, how indomitable he was like nothing could keep him down. He only has glimpses of the boy’s character, but the one thing he was certain of was how the boy never gave up, getting back up, again and again, no matter what the odds were. He couldn’t help but admire that trait, that unshakeable willpower. The sky was blue, All Might was Number One, and the straw-hatted kid didn’t know what quitting was. These were facts of life, stable and safe.

He looked at Deku, who was so much like that boy in so many ways, yet only fleetingly displaying that same determination Katsuki knew he was capable of. It’s what made Katsuki wonder and be almost convinced that Deku could be that boy, only for him to backslide and confuse Katsuki all fucking over again.

Because if Deku really was that impossibly strong kid, the very idea that this world finally beat him into submission was a nightmare Katsuki never wanted to face. His pillar of understanding anything would collapse in itself and Katsuki knew with bone-chilling certainty that it would _break_ him like nothing else would. He would rather die than live in a world where the straw-hatted kid could be defeated.

Because if that damn kid could break, Katsuki surely would, for he wasn’t nearly as strong as him.

So there were only two options. Either Deku wasn’t the straw-hatted-kid and it was all in Katsuki’s head, or Deku better _get to fucking work_ and stop acting like a defeatist loser. Katsuki couldn’t handle any less.

And if it was the other option, well, it would cement Katsuki's fears he was insane and should be chucked into an asylum. The fact he found the possibility of the straw-hat kid not existing at all in any form an even more devastating blow scared the _shit_ out of him. It scared him sometimes, how much he didn't mind keeping the delusions, the craziness, if it meant that tiny kid with a giant's shadow would stay in his life, even if he weren't real.

Katsuki half wanted to laugh and weep at this realization. God, he was such a fucking mess.

When they reached the door of the Midorya household, Katsuki took a deep breath and buried his pride so he would be able to say this. He couldn’t take any chances. Deku deserved at least this much from him.

He had to, or he would regret it forever.

“Yes.”

Auntie looked at him uncomprehendingly. He closed his eyes and let out the truth he refused to say when he was four and even more scared than he was now.

 _This was for Deku,_  who needed this push Katsuki could give him. For Katsuki, who would never forgive himself if Deku really was the laughing boy of his dreams left abandoned and hopeless when Katsuki could've done something.

"Yes, he can be a hero.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is five am in the morning and I regret everything. On the other hand, I cannot believe I wrote that last section. Our angry boi is growing up. (sniff) Or at least, I hope he is, lol.
> 
> Thanks for reading and have a, er, good morning!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you like it so far. If you want to check out my tumblr site, here you go:
> 
> http://aerialflight.tumblr.com/

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [(W)hole in my Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19023544) by [Twinkledash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twinkledash/pseuds/Twinkledash)




End file.
